7 Fictional Characters Who Need To Up Their Game
DC Sheehan
The Grim Reaper – Image by Yomex Owo on Unsplash / Santa Claus – Image by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels / Easter Bunny – Image by Pixaline from Pixabay / Themis – Image by Sang Hyan Cho from Pixabay
It’s October so out come the first traces of Christmas deals and decorations. Santa “claus” his way to earlier and earlier in the calendar every year. One can hardly blame him. Capitalism demands constant expansion and Saint Nick is doing what all good businesspeople do, growing his market share.
Other fictional characters would be smart to emulate his commercial savvy. Many of them have stagnated business plans and a lack of diversification – recipes for financial disaster. All is not lost, however. As an author with connections to the fantasy world I sat a group of them down with my financial advisor for a fiscal physical.
1. The Easter Bunny
Like Santa, the Easter Bunny has shoved Jesus to the side of his own holiday. Also like Santa, while Easter themed merchandise can appear as early as January, after the Resurrection Bunny isn’t seen until the following year. Putting all her eggs in the chocolate treats basket is also a recipe for disaster in an increasingly health-obsessed world. Yes, of course the Easter Bunny is female. Good luck getting a male rabbit to lay Easter Eggs!
Advice from my financial advisor
“Bunny needs to branch out and there’s a perfect partner out there – the Tooth Fairy. Easter Bunny rots their teeth with chocolate eggs – teeth fall out – Tooth Fairy collects the teeth, paying Bunny a royalty for every molar she helped massacre. Win-win.
But the rabbit also needs a non-Easter side-business, preferably one that would offset her unhealthy image. Carrots are one of the world’s most popular, and lucrative, vegetables. As a prolific carrot consumer Bunny surely already has an intimate understanding of cultivating this root crop. She could pull in some fantastical leporine friends to help with endorsements – Peter Rabbit, Thumper, and the Energizer Bunny in particular “spring” to mind. For the this cottontail, orange is about to be the new green!”
2. The Grim Reaper
The list of Worst Professions in the World probably goes something like this: Telephone Salesperson, Sewer Cleaner, Author, Podiatrist, Grim Reaper, Dentist. It’s a dirty job but somebody has to guide souls into the afterlife and that somebody is a skeleton in a cloak, carrying a scythe.
Advice from my financial advisor
“I believe that Mr Reaper is suffering depression from dealing with all that death. He needs some life-based balance, a type of balance gardening could provide. He should begin a landscaping business so that along with telling people their time is up he can also tell them their Thyme is up!
He can put his scythe to use cutting grass instead of cutting lives short. That cloak he wears will protect him from both sun and rain. This is surely a business that will grow and I’ll even throw in a potential business name that will fit should it expand: The Skeleton Crew!”
3. Themis/Lady Justice
Justice/Themis doesn’t look like she does much. Her job is to stand around blindfolded, holding a sword and scales, and acting as the allegorical personification of the necessity for impartiality in the justice system. Lady Justice is the queen of the courts but these days it’s all about being a multi-hyphenate. It’s not enough to be a personification of fairness, you need to be a personification of fairness/singer/director/fashion designer.
Advice from my financial advisor
“There’s a bright future for Themis in the food business. This might seem like a radical suggestion but her scales and sword will come in handy in the kitchen. A good place to start would be with a celebrity cooking show. If she keeps the blindfold on she’s immediately got a hook that elevates her above run of the mill gastronomic programs – this gal makes a great soufflé and she does it blind!
Once she’s established herself as a new superstar chef she can use that fame to launch her own a line of cookware. Her tagline – Do justice to your food with Lady J. This woman’s about to make some real dough!”
4. Cupid
This chubby flying baby with a bow and arrow is particularly busy around February 14. The day might be named after St Valentine but it’s Cupid most people picture when they think of love. But he’s only associated with love and, if you’ve seen modern divorce rates, putting your stock on lasting relationships isn’t the best investment.
Advice from my financial advisor
“It’s my opinion that Cupid has the opposite problem to the Grim Reaper – dealing with lovey-dovey stuff the whole time is making him to want to murder someone. This babe can fly, make himself invisible, and is an expert marksman. If the sappy stuff is driving to murder there’s a perfect new side-gig awaiting – assassin!
Because of his abilities he could take on the most difficult – and lucrative – hits. He flies in, hits his target, and flies out, leaving no pesky evidence behind. The thrill of the kill ought to reduce the saccharine effects of his other profession. Better yet, as his body count rises, so will his bank balance!”
5. Jack Frost
This personification of the effects of Winter is responsible for ice and snow. But he’s yet another icon inexorably tied to only part of the year, forced to sit out the other three seasons. That’s a business model that’s doomed to fail. Worse, his likeness is being used by a variety of businesses the world over to hawk cold goods – especially ice cream – and Jack hasn’t done anything to stop them.
Advice from my financial advisor
“Mr Frost can sue those companies for unlicensed use of his image and once he receives his sizeable settlement he should wade into that market himself. The Easter Bunny understands sweet stuff so Jack could partner with her for a new range of ice cream. Ben and Jerry? No. Bun and Jacky!
There’s also money to be made in the air-conditioning market. There’s no reason Jack couldn’t be creating cold when the market needs it most, in the middle of Summer. With global warming upping the temperature every year, Mr Frost’s future looks red hot!”
6. Slender Man
Slender Man first appeared in 2009 as an internet meme. He is actually the property of creator Eric Knudsen so there is a real life person to benefit from any extra revenue. Part of the appeal of this thin, very tall figure with a blank face and wearing a dark suit is his vagueness and the mystery around exactly who or what he is – the viewer is able to project their own idea of who or what he is onto him.
Advice from my financial advisor
“Despite his rapid rise to fame, Slender Man hasn’t transformed into the superstar he seemed destined to become – his vagueness might actually be working against him.
It would help if he was be tied to something specific and there’s a perfect job opportunity just sitting there – Halloween. 31 October is crying out for an official mascot. Other horror icons have too much backstory to become the patron of All Hallows’ Eve but Slender Man is so new and ill-defined that he fits the bill perfectly.
It’ll be easy to leverage his inevitable increased profile into multi-media deals, toys, and licensing opportunities. He created a skinny character but Eric Knudsen’s bank accounts are about to get fat!”
7. Santa Claus
Yes, I even dragged in old Saint Nick for some financial fine-tuning. Many people and businesses are now actively resisting his “Christmas creep” and commercialisation of the saviour’s birth. Plus Santa’s often in the centre of controversies like the “War on Christmas”, people claiming he’s not black, or that his name is an anagram of Satan.
Advice from my financial advisor
“Even the almighty Santa could do well to diversify and since he’s intent of swallowing the entire calendar, there’s no reason he can’t claim the whole year. He already has the world’s best door-to-door delivery system so it’s time for him to launch a global courier service. He can guarantee delivery of any parcel from its starting point to anywhere in the world in just one night!
Amazon thinks drones are the future? Pfwt! St Nick has magical reindeer! Let’s see Jeff Bezos top that! Mr Claus is going to “sleigh” the competition!”
